Many of the eternal questions of man have concerned women. Our gender has been perpetually puzzled by our delicate counterparts but has failed to reach a satisfying explanation of female behavior. I would like to share my agonizing efforts in unraveling the mysteries of women.
I have had relationships of different classifications and lengths over my life, and the reasons for termination help shed light on women in general. Girls have broken up with me for being too nice as well as being too inconsiderate, for asking for too much commitment as well as not being committed enough, for drinking too much as well as not partying enough.
At first, this led me to believe that there was something wrong with me, but upon further consideration, I decided that my troubles are entirely the fault of the opposite gender. It is important to note that much of my theory regarding women was deduced while I was in a state of bitter drunkenness and that much of this article was written in this state, so I hope that those who fail to see the veracity of my theory will be able find humor in it.
My theory was conceived from Snoop Dogg lyrics, as is so much modern philosophy. The line, “Bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks,” struck me like a lightning bolt while I mulled over the last failed relationship. The lyrics instantly became my favorite exclamation while I was out drinking. However, I soon began to see the inadequacies of this misogynist mantra. First of all, “hos and tricks,” is quite redundant, so I eliminated the last two words from the lyric, transforming it to “Bitches ain’t nothing but hos.”
After a while, I realized that this still was not perfect. I am angry at women in general, not just some of them, and I do not like using the word “bitch” to describe all women. I am not using “bitch” as profanity or in a derogatory manner, but rather to describe a population within the opposite gender with certain behaviors. A girl who is naggy, unnecessarily mean or has a caustic personality is displaying “bitchy” behavior. So I again modified Snoop’s wisdom to “Bitches and hos,” understanding that I am describing all women to be either one or the other, with “hos” describing girls who are overly loose or display generally slutty behavior.
This abbreviated version was good enough to get me through most of freshman year. However, I decided that I wanted more than just a toast; I truly desired to create a classification system for women that would reflect the frustrations I felt. The current classification system was far too simplistic, only narrowly encompassing the diversity of female behavior. So I created the third category, “psychos,” to describe women who are crazy. This could classify the girl who calls your cell phone 14 times while you are at the gym, the girl that throws all of your clothes out the window, and many behaviors in between.
This became a problem as I realized that much behavior that would classify a girl as a “bitch” or a “ho” could in fact simply be the symptoms of a “psycho.” I then reconceived how I thought of the opposite gender. Women are not necessarily one category or the other; they can belong to multiple categories. It can be visualized as a triple Venn diagram, with the majority of women in overlapping categories. This revelation finally brought me to my finished philosophy of four words, “Bitches, hos, and psychos,” which adequately describes the female gender.
I am playing the role of a sociology major defining the problem without offering a solution, simply because I do not know if there is a solution. I deal with this wisdom by hoping that exceptions to my theory exist within the college population. The fact is that I am unable to be as cynical or as bitter as my theory would suggest. Blame the stable family or happy childhood, but I always trust girls despite my revelations on the gender. Since my theory started with obscure modified rap lyrics I will end it similarly. These are not the words of Snoop, instead of Andre from Outkast, “Ha-ha-ha-ha we love these bitches, hos and psychos.”
Ben Turner is a sophomore at Tulane College majoring in international development and international relations. He can be reached for anything from outrage to apostles at bturner1@tulane.edu.